Dear Gina

Sage Wisdom and Practical Advice From Everyone's Favourite Richest-Woman-In-The-World

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Dear Gina,

I was wondering if you could offer your thoughts on the Sydney property market. As you are no doubt aware, prices went up 15% last year across the board, and although growth has steadied, it is continuing.

It enrages me that, if this trend continues, most professional Sydney-siders will soon not be able to afford to buy properties in their own city, and will have to resort to moving to other states or countries—or even to the outer suburbs. Despite having worked as a professional for over ten years, I myself recently had to take out a breathtaking mortgage to buy a property, and to do so had to move from my lovely rented flat in Rushcutters Bay, to an extremely modest two bedroom semi-detached in Waterloo (no parking), a suburb that I had never even heard of before I started searching for a property, and which barely feels like home to me (sometimes as I walk down the street I ask myself, “Where am I?”).

But most of all, I’m worried about our future, as Australians. I’m especially worried about what the property market future holds for my children Charlotte (3),  and the twins Darienne and Orpheus (2). How will they, as future professionals, ever get a “leg-up” in the Sydney property market?

My analysis is that Australia needs a complete overhaul of its taxation system to stop the structural skewing in favour of the extremely wealthy. For example, an introduction of a lands tax, and the removal of the egregious negative gearing tax benefit, would free up untold properties from Mosman to Balmain, and even over to Edgecliff, and ensure that Charlotte and the twins get a “fair go” when their time comes. The Henry Report touched on  these issues, but I note there has been a lot of reticence on behalf of our nation’s politicians in really doing something about this serious problem.

Any thoughts? Please advise.

Yours in anxiety,
Justine

 

Dear Justine,

 I will buy Sydney for two dollars (be sure to line the crate with Bombe Alaska before sending west).

 Regarding the specific problem of Charlotte, Darienne and Orpheus, these are all terrible names for slaves. Here are some suggestions for better names:

 Mine, Special Economic Zone, Fifo, You There Peasant, Serfling, Quickly, Now, Federal Government of Australia.

 Mine,

 Gina

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Dear Gina,

The subject of refugees came up at a dinner party I was hosting. The conversation turned very heated and now a number of the parties involved are not speaking to each other. Does it remain my responsibility to arrange reconciliation? Also, what should a host do when a political hot potato threatens to ruin the roast potatoes?

Anna

Dear Anna

 I need to stop you right there at ‘refugee’, as this term is often used in a number of misleading ways.

 Firstly, the correct spelling is in fact ‘refugina’. Despite the tendency of the common tongue to leave the last syllable silent, the ‘na’ should be clearly articulated.

 In fact, to be completely accurate with the pronunciation, the ‘refu’ should be articulated as follows:

 Suh-layves-of

 In future, please address all refuginas accordingly:

 Gina

P.O. Box [this is short for Pies Ormoney in Boxes] 4462

Hope this helps,

Gina

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Anonymous asked: Dear Gina, I am poor but want to be rich. What should I do? Helpless

Dear John and/ or Hope,

Any and all correspondence you wish to have with me is to be directed through the appropriate legal channels.

See you in court,

Gina

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Dear Gina,

 

I think my house is haunted. I hear strange noises, objects move and fall for seemingly no reason, and I can often feel a presence when I know I’m alone.

 

Should I move?

 

Haunted

 

 

 Dear Haunted

 

It sounds like there is a poor person in or near your house. The phenomena you describe are quite common with the poor. They are rarely visible to the human eye as only real economy-contributing humans are worthy of corporeality – your eye naturally adjusts to filter out their supernatural laziness.


The easiest thing to do is to go and stay at one of your other properties. If you don’t have another property, then I am unable to respond to invisible letters.  


Gina

 

 

 

 

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Dear Gina,

 

There’s been a lot of discussion lately about whether email sign-offs are necessary or even appropriate anymore. I’ve always attached a ‘cheers’ or ‘regards’  to my missives, but now I’m not so sure.  Can you suggest something that sounds polite and personal but not stuffy or sentimental?

 

Confused best regards.

 

 

Dear Confused Best Regards,

I quite agree - the standard sign-off is indeed outdated. Why don’t you try one of these refreshing and contemporary valedictions that I’ve come up with?

 ‘Mine’ – an updated version of the old fashioned - and frankly, communist - ‘yours’.

 ‘FIFO’ - (which is of course short for “Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell money and slaves and money”)

 ’SEZ’, - (shorthand for “The Northern Territory shall from now on be exclusively referred to as GinaGinaGinaLand”)

 ‘See you in court’ - (a personal sign-off mainly reserved for immediate family).

Mine,

 Gina.

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Dear Gina,

 

A female colleague has recently and very publicly accused me of being misogynist. This is obviously a lie as I have a wife and three daughters. How can I convince her that she’s being irrational and hysterical?

 

Tony.

 

Dear Tony,

Daughters can be quite delightful, can’t they? I have one (ONLY ONE) myself. My ONE AND ONLY CHILD Ginia (short for Gina Is Awesome) has just devised the most wonderful parlour game of sneaking into pauper shacks (generally anything under about 32 bedrooms) and tattooing “mine” on any exposed peasant flesh. Such fun!

Gina

 

 

 

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 Dear Gina,

 

I’ve recently come into some money and want to use it in a way that is of the most benefit to society, as I feel that the staggering social inequality in this country is the unjust result of an evil system perpetuated by the basest elements of human nature. Do you recommend donating to an existing charity or establishing a benefit or institution of my own?

 

Blake


Dear Blake,


Please write in English next time.


Gina

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 Dear Gina,

 

My daughter is 11 and approaching high school age. Many of her friends are already enrolled in posh private schools. However, I’m a firm believer in public education and am determined to send her to the local state high school. How can I convince her that I’m not the worst parent in the world for not letting her go to the same school as her friends?

 

World’s Worst Mother,

 

 

Dear WWM,

 

You sound like quite the MILF (Mother of Income Low Family).

I absolutely agree, poverty and the slovenly laziness that causes it is SUCH a problem in this country.

I’d like to share something wonderful I discovered in my own, non-poor education. During my studies I came across a fascinating proposal by the very forward-thinking Dr Swift. I think he has just the solution for your drunk, lazy, selfish ways: if you enlist the help of a good butcher (any one featured on Masterchef will be fine) I will be very happy to buy your daughter at $2 per kilo. I will pay 5 cents extra for any parts that are specially processed (I prefer sausages to be spiced with dill).

You’re Welcome,

Gina

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 Dear Gina,

 

I’m hosting a dinner party next week and I’m finding it very hard to cater for a variety of dietary sensitivities. Can you suggest a dish that contains no diary, gluten, nightshades, venison, nuts, pumpkin or coriander?

 

Julie

 

Dear Julie,

 

Why don’t you try my croquembouche recipe?

 

Ingredients:

All the money in the world

Father’s love


Method:

Give them to me.

 

You’re welcome,

Gina

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 Dear Gina,

 

What’s some good music for making money to?

 

Clive

 

 

Dear Clive,

I find that Gangnam style (Korean for “chaingang style”) provides just the right soundtrack for riding low in the chopper behind the cheap foreign labor.

It’s easy to dance to, too - just aim something small caliber at a poor person’s feet.


Gina